The big four!
Yay! The big four is here! Yet, nothing really big changed! I have been waiting four long years for this moment. I was hoping that at least today I would see a difference, no matter how small. Both my sisters in law encouraged me saying that the first four years were the hardest. That after this milestone, the child would get more independent, and I would get some time off.
I am officially exhausted, at the end of my strength. I am disappointed and I am wondering if I am responsible for this failure? How come my kid is still so clingy to me, as if we did not cut the umbilical cord?
If I knew how hard it would be and how many sacrifices I would have to do, how many things I would have to give up, I would have given a second thought to the idea of having and raising a child alone. Unlike other single mothers, I don’t have anyone to rely on. It’s only me. All the other mommies have their parents, siblings or other family members helping them. I don’t. I never did. From day one, it’s been only me dealing with everything.
Yes, independence comes with a price. My own mother says that I am a very proud person and that my pride prevents me from getting the help I need. Honestly, as a mother herself, she could have done a better job at getting involved in knowing her granddaughter.
Within the past four years, I have not heard her not even a single time volunteering her services or saying something nice to me. She only came to see us when I gave birth and then later on when my sister was having her second baby.
I don’t regret being a mother. My child is my biggest achievement if I could say that. She is my only sunshine. She keeps me going when she smiles at me. But it was damn hard to go through this parenthood thing all alone. When I read or hear about moms having their “me time”, I close my eyes and I imagine that I am on the beach, doing nothing, listening to the waves crashing on the shore. That’s where my mind errs when I feel I can’t cope anymore with my schedule.
I wished that I could have someone staying with my daughter so that I could at least go for one hour to a health club Mississauga or to the gym and forget about all my troubles while working out.